Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples
Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, is a form of couples therapy. Psychologist Sue Johnson developed it with Les Greenberg in the 1980s. Today it is one of the most studied couples therapies in the world.
The basic idea
EFT starts from a simple idea: everyone needs someone close they can count on. That need does not go away when we grow up.
Underneath many arguments sits one question:
“Are you there for me?”
When that question feels unanswered, people get scared. Scared people often come across as angry, critical, or cold.
The pattern is the problem
Most couples in trouble get stuck in the same pattern, again and again. A common one looks like this:
Reaches out, but it comes out as criticism: “You never listen.”
Feels blamed and pulls back to keep the peace.
The pulling back makes the first partner push harder, and the pushing makes the second pull back further.
Both partners are trying to protect the relationship, and both end up feeling alone.
In EFT, the pattern is the problem, not either of you.
What happens in EFT
EFT usually moves through three stages.
1
Calming the cycle
Together you map the pattern you get caught in and what each of you feels while it happens. Arguments often lose some of their heat once you can both see the pattern.
2
Reaching each other in a new way
You learn to say what sits under the anger or the silence, such as fear of being left or fear of letting the other down. When one partner can say this and the other can respond, the relationship starts to feel safer.
3
Making it last
You bring this new way of connecting to the practical problems you came in with, until it holds on its own.
Sessions are slow and focused. The therapist helps you stay with what matters instead of arguing about who said what.
Does it work?
EFT has been researched for more than 30 years. Studies show that most couples feel much less distressed after therapy and that the gains tend to last. EFT has also helped couples facing depression, trauma, and serious illness.
Is EFT right for us?
EFT can help if you:
- keep having the same fight
- feel distant, like housemates
- are recovering from an affair or another breach of trust
- are unsure whether to stay together
EFT is not the right place to start if there is ongoing violence or abuse in the relationship. Safety has to come first.
How I use EFT
My work with couples is based on EFT.
For fees, session format, and how to begin, see Couples therapy.
Want to read more?
Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight explains EFT for couples in plain language.